Moving Out

It’s been three months since Karlo passed away. It’s been three months and I still wasn’t ready to empty his condo unit, but it had to be done anyway. The contract was up and the lease coordinator said that the building management was finally allowing non-residents to enter again.

I scheduled the move on a Friday because I knew that I would be completely useless afterwards. I took time off from work and asked Jun to come with me. I originally wanted to wait until Mom and Dad flew in, but given the current situation, that might not be possible for another couple of months.

The flashbacks were a beast.

The first time I walked down that hallway, I remember feeling hopeful for him. Sure, I was miserable for myself, but I was genuinely happy for him. He had so many things to look forward to. He was starting a new life, a chance to correct his “mistake”, a clean slate. The unit was small but beautifully designed, perfect for a single occupant. It was fully furnished and it stood out against all the other units that we viewed that day.

The last time I was there was in February. The girls were running way ahead of me, laughing and shouting “Daddy, Daddy!!!”, proudly showing me that they knew their way to their Dad’s place. We were all going to go swimming on that particularly hot day.

I got his keys from my bag and opened the door, and the familiar smell of his laundry and sheets welcomed me at the doorway. Scents have always been my strongest memory triggers and it smelled like he had just left the room a moment ago. I damn near cried right there, standing awkwardly at the doorway. Thanks a lot, amygdala.

I looked around before touching anything, just soaking in how he had left his room before he returned home to stay with us during the enhanced community quarantine. A few things sent sharp pangs of heartache here and there — the framed motivational quote that I made for him as a moving in present; the girls’ drawings and little love notes that he kept on his desk; the comb on the table close to the bathroom. He never used to own a comb or a hairbrush, but he finally bought one at some point so that the girls wouldn’t look so bedraggled every time they came home from his place.

Two of Karlo’s uncles and two other companions drove all the way from the south to help me haul everything back home. There wasn’t really a lot to bring home, just 3 moving boxes and a couple of bags, mostly containing clothes, kitchen stuff and some personal effects. I carefully decided on which items would go at the very top of the boxes, so that I can grab them right away without having to go through a million memories that I wasn’t ready to wrestle with at the moment. The sheets and Snorky the Snorlax plushie were at the very top; I was planning on dropping them off at the laundry shop the very next day. The file case with a few important documents, and his laptop computer were right underneath the bed sheets, to be kept safe in my office. The rest will just have to sit there in their boxes until Mom and Dad get here.

When we were done, I took one last look around at the empty unit, checking if we had overlooked anything. I could almost hear Karlo’s usual corny reply to my did-we-leave-anything last scan before checking out of hotels and resorts. He would always feign alarm and say, “Wait!! We did leave something…*deep sigh*… MEMORIES.” Sobrang baduy, nakakainis! I always rolled my eyes at him, but I think this time, he would be right. He did leave memories here. I wasn’t part of those memories, but they included his solo bonding moments with the kids. It was their cool after-school hang out with a swimming pool. It was his own space where he lived, no matter how briefly, as an independent, working adult.

I was glad that Jun and I had other people there with us, or we might have been stuck in that room for ages, drowning in sentimentality. It was easier to pull myself together and just kind of hold it all in while we had company. Jun was the last one to leave, and I jokingly told him that I’ll just sit there and cry for a while after he drives off. It turned out not being much of a joke after all. I did end up sitting in our garage for about half an hour, just letting it all out before I had to run upstairs and observe the girls participate in their trial virtual classes for the coming school year.

I went back to the building today to settle Karlo’s remaining utility bills and I waited for the lease coordinator at the lobby. I suddenly recognized the song playing the background — it was “10,000 Reasons” by Matt Redman, a Christian worship song that the girls and I listened to at bedtime since they were toddlers. I’ve never heard worship songs being played in the building lobby before, but I’m glad I caught my favorite part of the song:

“The sun comes up

It’s a new day dawning,

It’s time to sing Your song again,

Whatever may pass

And whatever lies before me,

Let me be singing

When the evening comes.”

I definitely needed to hear that today. ❤ Bye, Berkeley.